Caring

It is obvious that the infamous they don't care about you or your 'little world'. But you would think that those in your immediate world would care. When they don't it is like a slap in the face. Not just a little love tap but a haul back, open palm, full force slap in the face.

How do you not care or how do you move on from  that realization?

Every time I try to come back from one of these realizations I find it harder and harder. At what point do you decide that enough is enough and just walk away?

Offspring

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately that talk about their children. A lot of the ideas are not anything that I grew up with or that I heard when my offspring were little. I think that once upon a time I was somewhat like these people. What it gets down to is that they like their offspring and like being in their company. 

I've come to the realization I don't like mine.

I don't know how to fix this.

The whole situation makes me so very sad.

breathe

From one breath to the next  - thorugh no fault of your own - your world can shatter into a million pieces. Never to regain a balance you can relate to.

Suddenly the statements:  "I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but...";  "I could never walk a mile in your shoes, but you know what you should do....";  "Well, if it were me, I would....."  are all you seem to hear.

So not only are you dealing with the massive change in your own life, all the emotions that go along with the change, learning a new normal, relearning everything you thought you already knew ... you must also make everyone around you feel comfortable with the changes, tell them that it will all be okay so that they can go on with their life.

And just when you think you are starting to get to the knot at the end of the rope, that you just might be able to hang on for a little bit longer before you completely loose it, the one you love beyond all reason, the one you are doing all this for looks you in the eye and says "Why do you do this. You still look at me as if I'm a cripple."  How are you suppose to deal with that.  Especially at 9:30 at night, right before bed and you have such a hard time sleeping to begin with.


After 6 years you would think you could get a handle on this and move on. 

Maybe the rope should be around your waist so you don't have to hang on anymore. Or maybe around your neck so you don't have to worry about it any more.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll

Sex -10 years ago someone told me that his wife wasn't interested in sex. I had such a hard time believing that. The concept wasn't something that  I could even remotely grasp.  Today at 45 I am so not interested in sex that it is a bit scary.

Drugs - Growing up everyone thought I did them. I knew that they wouldn't beleive me so I lied and pretended like I had done them for years. It was such an easy lie because everyone wanted to believe it.

Rock and Roll - Is something I can't stand. I'm more of a Big Band, 80 British Bands sorta girl.

Self amazement

Its kinda weird how we can go forever thinking we can't do something.  Then all of a sudden you decide that this particular task is something that you want accomplished and you want it now.  So you bite the bullet, ask questions, google it, do the research and all of a sudden you can accomplish anything.

This senario happens to me every so often.  I want something done that I think I can not do.  The mind set can be one of several things..... It is not something a girl can do, I just don't know how, I'm not smart enough, its to complicated.... blah blah blah....  then I decide I want it done and I want it done now.  I don't want to have to wait on someone else time schedule, mood, etc.  The result is once again I have amazed myself at what I can accomplish.

I did it again tonight.  And I didn't burn the house down in the process. 

Yes!!! I am all that and a bag of chips.

Thank you very much.

18 days...

till the ladies come for tea.

They haven't been in 6 years.

I use to find the process of getting ready enjoyable. I would make a list of all the things that I wanted to accomplish before they arrived. The list would include all the little projects that I had half finished, closets and drawers organized, tasks that needed to be accomplished but had been ignored, and always cleaning. I would clean every square inch of the house.

It was/is such hard work but the end result was always worth it. A perfectly cleaning, organized, to-do-list finished home.

This time I'm finding it stressful. Not enjoyable at all. Almost dreading them coming.

I really wish I didn't feal this way.  I want the old feeling back but I'm at a complete loss as to how to get it back.

The lists are made, the time frame  set, some of the tasks already complete.  But the feeling still eludes me. I find this very sad.

I will push through. The lists will be finished, every last task will be done to perfection.

In 18 days I will be the perfect hostess with the perfect house.

Possibility

Is it possible to leave the life you are currently living and start a new one?  To just walk away, leave everything (money, job, clothes, hobbies, family, friends, worries, dramas, responsibilities, computers, cell phones,...everything.)

Bucket List...

I have only one thing on my list.  It is to pet a cat.  As in lion, panther, etc.

California....

6 days so much to do, so little time.

Weight

310

Beginning, middle, end

I heard on the news the other day that when you are young you are happy and carefree because you do not know or understand 'life'. When you are middle aged you are not happy, depressed because you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, you see where you have been, where you are going and still have all the worries. When you are old you are happy again because you are resigned or come to terms with 'life'.

Not sure we needed to pay someone to do a study on that and  then be told.



Do mid life crisis ever do any good??

30 days from now....

I will be 45.

June Cleaver & Martha Stewart

I miss them. Or atleast I miss the images of them. They are both charaters: June Cleaver a television image and Martha Stewart created the image of what she wanted us to see. I really dislike the Marthat Stewart of 'now'. She has an icky personality.

I want something to acheive, to look up to, to strive for.

I had/have an image of what I want my life to be like, what I want people to see of my life.  Currently I am so far away from the image that I want to show everyone I'm not sure I can ever get back to it. I was there at one time and I loved it. I wasn't perfect at it but it was something I really enjoyed.

I want the heels and pearls, family dinners at the tables, everything in it's place when Ward comes home from a long day at the office. I want to sit by his side after the evening meal mending while he watches the news or reads the paper.

I want to be able to have perfectly organized/designed closest, pantry, garages, dinner parties, gardens and I want the knowledge to do it all myself.

I'm not sure why everyone is so down on the images these women created.

In the beginning....

there was just me.