Events

The night it happened I looked at him and said "He'll never leave the house, he'll never get married, he'll never have children".  I so wanted to be wrong about that. Sometimes 8 years seems like a blink. Sometimes 8 years seems like an eternity.

Christmas eve a friend's offspring became engaged. How can I be anything but happy for all parties involved.  This is so exciting. I am truly happy for my friend. As a parent this is what you want to see. The passing of milestones in ones life is exciting.

There are no milestones in my life to pass. The future (I can not seem to look past) is filled with just existence.

Not what I had hoped for.

They say that ...

a woman kisses with her whole body and that what a man says stays with her longer than he realizes.

I think that she hurts longer than either of them realize.

I wish the last wasn't so true.

Happy

I use to be happy all the time, always fun always upbeat, I had a  good life.

I know the exact date and time that changed. For 365 days I lived each minute to the next it was the only way I knew to survive.

But now, almost 7 years later I am still unhappy, discontented, down (some might say depressed, don't think I would argue), and just plan blah.

It is because I'm 7 years older? Is it because things really haven't changed? Is it because I am truly an unhappy, discontent, depressed and blah person?

Looking at my family, I am truly middle aged at 45.  We are long lived people, 90 - 100 is the norm for us. I look back at the first 45 years of my life and I don't like it. I can pick out more bad than good.  Divorce, death, injury, money issues, one drama or crisis after another.  With just small glimpse of happiness.

Is this how life is? Is this normal?

Maybe the past is normal.  Maybe I am just at that point in my life that everyone get to and this is just how things look, they really aren't as bad as my perspective makes them appear. Maybe this is normal and I'm suppose to ask myself why am I here, what do I want to do with my life, what purpose to I have. 

Is it time to go find myself ?  Whatever THAT means.  (just sounds like bullshit to me)

Maybe...

it is me.

She was meant to be mine.

From the beginning she was meant to be mine. 

I went to the pet store to buy a fish. Stopped to look at the cats. The salesperson said that she didn't play well with the other cats and that no one could pick her up.  I reached in, picked her up and loved her.  Couldn't justify spending a $100 on a cat when we had just bought a new house and car.  So I walked away.  A week later my husband said that if I still wanted her that I could have her. I called the pet store at 7am and they said she was the only one they had left. She was meant to be mine.

She never much liked out other animals or even my son and no way would she tolerate strangers. As she grew older she began to like my husband. Probably because he slept with me and she wanted to do the same. She always slept on the floor on my side of the bed, at the foot of my bed, on me or under the covers with me.

She would talk to me. All the time. While I was in the shower, getting dressed, cooking, sewing. She was always with me and wanted to chat.

She was never a lap cat but a chest cat. She would lay on my shoulder and down my chest anytime I sat down. Only in recent months did she begin to crawl up in the chair with my husband and sleep on his legs.

Even the vet said she was one of the top 10 worse cats he had to deal with, unless I was there.

For 11 years she was meant to be mine.

2012 Goals

I use to try and make resolutions each year like lots of other people.  And would proceed to break them like lots of other people. I got to thinking about the word resolution, then I Goggled it, then I used a thesaurus. All this to determine that I would never be able to keep a resolution.  So instead I set goals each year.  I take the month of January to decide what it is I would like to accomplish that year, then make a list. I work off that list all year long.

This year I have 9 major goals and 9 minor ones.  I set a loose schedule for finishing the major goals and the minor ones I throw in there when time allows.

The 9 Major Goals all pertain to my current hobby.  The completion of these 9 will finish off all the 'started but never completed' projects pertaining to this hobby.  The reason I would like to finish them all is that I've been wanting to start a new hobby and I just can not justify beginning a new one with all this hanging over my head.  Besides individually these hobbies are expensive. There just isn't anyway I can afford to maintain both of them.

So 2012 is the year to finish the old so that I can begin to learn the new.

All mine.

Once in a while something does come along that you are very thankful for.  I got one of those. It has been talked about for many years, sorta planned out for a couple of years, and in process for what seems like an unreasonable number of months.

But..... finally.... it is mine. All mine!!! 

Exactly the way I envisioned it. All the steps that required someone else assistance are finished and the rest it up to me.

This is the first thing in a very long time that I have been excited about. Very quietly, reservedly excited about. I don't want to jinx it.

And I have the only key!!!